like i said in my last entry, i definitely have my share of ups and downs...guess where i'm at right now?

things happen for a reason. this is happening for a reason, but i can't really fathom what the reason could be...i know i'll probably realize it in the future, but as of right now...it hurts...and i can't help but think that things are going to get way worse, before it could possibly get better...i don't know...i just have too much running through my mind...i feel numb, but at the same time, i can feel all the pain...it really does hurt...so much that i really can't think straight right now...

i guess that means i'll have to finish this entry some other time...good night all...

Nothing worthwhile is ever easy...
((let's see if that holds true...))

hmmm...i have my share of ups and downs...that last entry was obviously a down...

as for this entry...it's prolly somewhere in the middle...

school is stressing me out more than ever...if i get white hairs or wrinkles at an early age, it's prolly gonna be a result of this semester...

but school is really the only low i can think of right now...everything else is going pretty well...

family - we're actually doing pretty well...no fights or anything..either way though, i still love my family with all my heart..

friends - i'm slowly starting to make up for lost time with many of my friends...i'm just really thankful that i have them in my life...they help keep me sane

kappa - the year is slowly coming to a close (formal is this friday!! time to get crunked!!! ) and as stressful as this past year has been, i'm glad that i had my sisters there with me all the way..we each had our share of hardships but we helped each other out along the way...

as for other aspects of life (one in particular), things are going very well...i'm happy  i consider myself lucky and blessed...

k....i need to stop lagging...i should be writing a paper right now...good night all!

it's funny how i just randomly post up entries here...but hey...it should mean something if i actually take the time to post up what i'm thinking, right?

so i just recently got home from PCN practice..it's PCN HELL WEEK  what makes it worse is that i'm getting over the flu, and since the nights can get pretty cold, if i'm not careful, i might get sick again..and i definitely don't want that to happen..

anyways...a lot has been going through my mind lately...or actually..i wouldn't say that, in terms of quantity, i have a lot going through my mind...but quality-wise, what's been running through my mind for the past month has been getting heavier and heavier..i don't know..did that even make any sense? let me try to explain it another way: you know how they say that in terms of friends, quality means much more than quantity? well, i guess what i'm trying to say is that the quality of what has been weighing in my mind is sooo much that it feels like i have a million things going through my mind...is that better? i hope so..

do you think it's possible to find a certain part of yourself within a year (or even less)? most, if not all, people spend practically all their lives trying to find themselves (their whole self)...so what if it's just a part of yourself that you're searching for? would it still take that same amount of time? or is it possible to find it in a given time frame? how would you go about to find what you're looking for? it obviously wouldn't be easy, but do you think you'd be able to deal with it?

do you like thinking about the future? about the possibilities that could or could not happen? hope, dreams, goals, wishes, fears--all of the future? or are you more about living in the moment? i mean, i do have hopes and dreams, goals and fears that all have to do with the future, but i don't like thinking about it much...because as fun as it may be to think about the future and what could be, that's exactly what it is: what could be, not what will be..so since the future is a mystery, why waste your time thinking about it when there's so much in the here and now that you should focus on? family..friends..school..that sort of thing....i mean, i'm not saying that i'm a Carpe Diem type of person...it would be great to be able to "sieze the day" but face it--i'm not that brave  however, though i am not like that, i AM more into appreciating right now, what i have, and those in my life..if it's true that something--anything--in our life could be gone tomorrow, it'd be better to think of that than thinking about what could happen in the future, isn't it? or am i using this reasoning because i'm scared of what the future holds for me? i think i smell internal conflict

another thing...how can you tell when you're falling for someone? i've never really experienced love...puppy love, maybe..but i'm talking about real, true love..how do you know if you're falling?...how can you tell if you're in love with someone, as opposed to just loving them? there's a difference..isn't there? and is it really supposed to be this complicated? is it partly because of that that makes it so special?

there are a few other things i wish i could discuss here, but i feel that it's just too personal to post up...so i guess i should just leave it here...i'm not necessarily looking for answers to any of my questions..it would be nice because then it would help me deal with and get through what it is i'm going through...but at the same time..i guess you could say that i feel this is something i need to experience on my own..i really don't know...there's just so much going on that i really don't know what to do...i just hope that when i finally do know what it is that i should do and what it is that i want...it won't be too late..

found a story i wanted to share....kinda makes you think....

10th Grade

As I sat there in English class, I stared at the girl next to me. she was my so called "best friend". I stared at her long, black hair, and wished she was mine. But she didn't notice me like that, and I knew it. After class, she walked up to me and asked me for the notes she had missed the day before and I handed them to her. she said "thanks" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I wanted to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.

11th grade

The phone rang. On the other end, it was her. she was in tears, mumbling on and on about how her love had broken her heart. she asked me to come over because she didn't want to be alone, so I did. As I sat next to her on the sofa, I stared at her soft eyes, wishing she was mine. After 2 hours, one Drew Barrymore movie, and three bags of chips, she decided to go to sleep. she looked at me, said "thanks" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I wanted to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.

Senior year
The day before prom she walked to my locker. "My date is sick" she said; he's not going to go well, I didn't have a date, and in 7th grade, we made a promise that if neither of us had dates, we would go together just as "best friends". So we did. Prom night after everything was over, I was standing at her front door step! I stared at her as she smiled at me and stared at me with her crystal eyes. I want her to be mine, but she doesn't think of me like that, and I know it. Then she said "I had the best time, thanks!" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.

Graduation Day

A day passed, then a week, then a month. Before I could blink, it was graduation day. I watched as her perfect body floated like an angel up on stage to get her diploma. I wanted her to be mine, but she didn't notice me like that, and I knew it. Before everyone went home, she came to me in her gown and hat, and cried as I hugged her. Then she lifted her head from my shoulder and said, "you're my best friend, thanks" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.

A Few Years Later

Now I sit in the pews of the church. That girl is getting married now. I watched her say "I do" and drive off to her new life, married to another guy. I wanted her to be mine, but she didn`t see me like that, and I knew it. But before she drove away, she came to me and said "you came!". she said "thanks" and kissed me on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.

Funeral

Years passed, I looked down at the coffin of a girl who used to be my "best friend". At the service, they read a diary entry she had wrote in her high school years. This is what it read: I stare at him wishing he was mine, but he doesn't notice me like that, and I know it. I want to tell him, I want him to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love him but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why. I wish he would tell me he loved me! "I wish I did too..." I thought to my self, and I cried.


***Don't hold back how you feel about someone. No matter what it is you should tell them because one day you might regret not telling them.